HIDAN: Your Owner's Guide
by Prnkstr4Lfe
Summary: You've always wanted a HIDAN, and now you have it! Please remember to read all instructions before attempting to control your HIDAN.


**AN: This is my first try at one of these, I just noticed a bunch and wanted to see what it would be like if I tried it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. :(**

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of one of our HIDAN units. The warranty on this unit ends as soon as you finish reading this sentence. Don't worry, we'll know.

WARNING: This model is for mature audiences only. It's HIDAN. Enough said.

**BASIC INFORMATION:**

**Name:** HIDAN (will also respond to… actually, just call him his name. Any others will possibly be hazardous to your health)

**Age: **22

**Manufacturer: **Yukagure S-ranked Criminals, Inc.

**Height: **177.1 cm

**Weight: **56.8 kg

**Length: **Good luck finding that out… (Refer to FAQ)

**ACCESSORIES**

1 Hot Spring Missing-Nin Hitai-ate

1 Akatsuki 'Three' Ring

1 Akatsuki Cloak

1 Jashinist Necklace

1 Weapons pouch

5 Bottles of hair gel

1 Three bladed scythe

2 Pairs of white legwarmers

2 Pairs of navy blue sandals

3 Pairs of navy blue pants

**REMOVAL FROM SHIPPING CONTAINER**

You may have noticed that the shipping container is made of steel and not the ordinary cardboard. This is for precautionary reasons. Your HIDAN unit comes with an extremely sharp scythe, and could easily cut through cardboard. If the box you received IS cardboard, check to see if the back is torn open. If is, you may wish to call the FBI as there is now an S-Ranked criminal loose in your neighborhood.

One way you could convince your HIDAN to get out of his box is to have a couple sacrifices on hand. This is not advisable unless you have a steady supply, because your HIDAN will continually expect more.

Another, more beneficial way is to have a PEIN unit present. Although HIDAN does not completely respect the PEIN unit, he will listen. This works well if the PEIN unit likes (tolerates/ thinks you are useful for his plan) you.

Have a KAKUZU unit present. This is also not recommended, because it will most likely result in your HIDAN unit getting a body part chopped off. No worries, though, the KAKUZU unit will sew it back on… for a fee.

**PROGRAMMING**

Once your HIDAN unit is out of the box, he will immediately ask you if you want to convert to Jashinism. Say no, but to assure your safety (maybe), say that you think religion is more important than money and that you are completely dedicated to another religion. Your HIDAN unit may want proof of this, so be prepared.

If you earn the [partial] respect of your HIDAN, you are ready to continue your life with him. Just make sure you tell him who and who not to sacrifice.

NOTE: We are not responsible for any deaths related to you being dumb enough to let your HIDAN run around freely.

**PROGRAMS**

The HIDAN unit comes in many different modes. Some may take persuasion to activate; however, it's nothing a few live sacrifices can't fix.

S-Ranked Criminal: Have you always wanted that priceless diamond at the museum? Your HIDAN unit can easily sneak in and retrieve it for you, if you say it is necessary for your goal.

Criminal Justice: On the contrary, your HIDAN will be excellent at stopping crime as well. Just inform him of the criminal, give him his scythe, and turn on the news. Soon enough it will announce the defeat of whatever murderer, psychopath, or thief in your neighborhood.

Bodyguard: Are you bullied by those kids down the street? A simple sentence can make them be gone for good. We'll let you figure out what that sentence is.

**MODES**

Sadistic (_default)_

Masochistic (_default)_

Potty Mouth (_default)_

Drunk

Bored

Arrogant (_default)_

Disrespectful

Clinically Insane (_locked)_

Out Of Character (_locked)_

Since this is the HIDAN model, Sadistic, Masochistic, and Potty Mouth Modes are default. Due to the nature of these modes, make sure no children are in the room with your HIDAN.

The Drunk Mode can be activated by giving your HIDAN sake, wine, or beer. Let it be known that HIDAN has a high tolerance of alcohol, and often can make you broke. In the Drunk Mode, your HIDAN is more civil towards anyone, but is a pain to deal with when he has a hangover.

In the Bored Mode, your HIDAN may try to sneak out of the house. If this happens, take away and hide his scythe. If you can.

When in the Disrespectful Mode, your HIDAN is even less respectful than usual. You have most likely insulted his religion or are just plain annoying him. Expect more cursing.

The Clinically Insane mode will unlock when your HIDAN sees a NARA SHIKAMARU unit. This will result in the "death" of your HIDAN unit, so it is advised you keep these two from meeting.

Out Of Character Mode can be unlocked when you take away your HIDAN's necklace. This may also trigger anger towards you as the owner. In OOC Mode, your HIDAN will be nicer, not curse as much, but I'm sorry, there will be no romance. Even when OOC, your HIDAN will still be loyal to his religion.

**RELATIONSHIPS**

KAKUZU: This is the HIDAN's partner. Putting these two together will result in a fight, but rest assured that you will have your HIDAN back, albeit a little roughed up.

DEIDARA: Your HIDAN enjoys teasing the DEIDARA about his feminine appearance. Letting this happen will make your HIDAN happier, but the DEIDARA… not so much.

PEIN: This is your unit's Leader. Although disrespectful, the HIDAN will follow orders. Do NOT let the AKATSUKI SET be together with out heavy supervision.

SARUTOBI ASUMA: Your HIDAN will engage this unit in battle, and win. It is advisable not to let these two meet, because once a SARUTOBI ASUMA dies, this will inspire a NARA SHIKAMARU to hunt down your HIDAN for revenge.

NARA SHIKAMARU: This unit causes the "death" of your HIDAN. In reality, he just buries your HIDAN underground, but after this happens the other AKATSUKI SET members will refuse to help him.

**CLEANING**

Due to the nature of HIDAN's religion, he requires daily cleaning. Do not attempt to help him, because you may end up being the blood he needs to wash off.

**ENERGY**

Since the HIDAN is immortal, he does not need daily feeding, although he appreciates it. He is not an extremely picky eater, but he will voice his opinions rather… loudly.

He also does not require sleep, but having a good night's rest will help him stay happier, and you stay alive.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: Every time I get a cut, my HIDAN tries to lick the blood. Should I let him?

A: Absolutely not. Letting a HIDAN consume your blood is like signing your own death wish.

Q: I woke up this morning and my HIDAN came back and he was all black and white and looks like a skeleton! Did something happen to him?

A: This is completely normal. He most likely went out late to get a sacrifice. Just make sure he doesn't have access to any of your friend's or family's blood.

Q: I put my HIDAN in OOC Mode and locked him in a room with my HARUNO SAKURA, but when I opened the door there was blood everywhere! What did I do wrong?

A: Apparently you didn't study up on HIDAN's religion, which doesn't allow him to be with anyone romantically, even in OOC Mode.

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

PROBLEM: Your HIDAN is tearing apart your house looking for something.

SOLUTION: Check that your HIDAN has his necklace. If it is gone, quickly order a new one and hope that it gets there fast.

PROBLEM: Your HIDAN is ignoring you and your requests.

SOLUTION: Well, it is HIDAN… even a PEIN unit doesn't get much respect from him. Maybe setting your HIDAN in OOC Mode will help him be a little more considerate.

**FINAL NOTES**

If you follow all these rules and suggestions, you are in for a [moderately] happy life with your HIDAN unit. Make sure that in your will you give whoever a copy of the manual, because your HIDAN is going to be living quite a while after you die.

**A/N: Remember to vote on my profile if you want another Owner's Guide!**


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